Sometimes change is gradual. It happens over time and is subtle. Barely noticeable. Other times change strikes hard and with blinding speed. You didn’t ask for it. It just happens. Sometimes the change is welcomed and is for the better. Sometimes not. For me, my change came in the course of an hour.
I was preparing for a workout on my treadmill when it happened. I put on a pair of shorts that I haven’t worn in two years. Let me rephrase that. I half put on the pair of shorts. They were what felt like someone else’s shorts. I was crushed. Literally, I was crushed and squished inside these shorts and unable to move. I stood in front of the mirror at my reflection and I realized that I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. When had this happened and where did I go? I wasn’t sure. In confusion I shimmied and twisted out of the shorts and put my regular workout pants on. I then went to my treadmill in what felt like a daze.
As I worked out I thought about the shorts and the person I saw in the mirror. I reflected on how much weight I had gained and knew it had been there for some time. I suppose I have been in denial for a while. I ran harder on the treadmill trying to pound out the frustration I was feeling but to no avail.
I rationalized with myself that all I needed to do was eat better and restrict calories but I knew I was lying to myself. Sure that would work for a while just like all the times before but if I didn’t make a real change and do it for the right reasons, I would end up right back where I am standing now.
I pictured in my mind the person I wanted to be and do you know what? I was nothing like that person. I looked nothing like her and more importantly, felt nothing like her. When I pictured her, she was not only healthy and lean, she was strong. She ate healthy, had muscles, and ran marathons. I realized right then and there that more than anything I wanted to be her and I was prepared to do whatever it took.
“And the day came when the risk to remain the same was greater than the risk to change…”
I will be upfront on this; I don’t know the first thing about being healthy. Not really. I know Reese’s Peanut Butter cups have peanut butter in them but probably isn’t the best choice for a source of protein. I don’t even know why I need protein. I know lifting weights will give me muscles but I don’t know the first thing about how to get started. I know I shouldn’t be eating milk products because of my intolerance but stopping isn’t so easy. Milk is in everything. Vitamins, yoga, meditation, fitness, and marathon running are all things I want to learn and do but I don’t have a clue how to do them. I have a lot to learn and that lead me to my next thought. Time. I needed time and time is just something I don’t have a lot of, if at all.
My days are filled with time spent on things that are important to me. My website is one of them. I also am in the process of writing a fantasy series which I have big hopes for. When I am not working on those things, I am taking care of my family. And then it hit me. None of those things are any good if I’m not around to enjoy them. Something inside me screamed that for once in my life, I needed to put myself first. I needed to give everything I have to being the person I want to be before it’s too late. Someone I can be proud of. So that’s what I am going to do.
After talking to my family and gaining a tremendous amount of support from them, I’ve decided to temporarily put my website, all social media, and my book on hold so I can go on a yearlong health sabbatical. I like to think of it as a journey of transformation. For the next year, I am going to transform myself into the strong woman I envisioned myself to be. I’m going to get healthy and strong and train to run that half marathon that I’ve always dreamed of running.
Before I go, I want to take this very special moment to say thank you. The last year spent writing you has been very special to me. I’ve learned a lot and I’ve grown in so many ways. It is my hope that when I return I will have much to share with you. In the meantime, I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself. Be kind to one another and stay grateful.
With love and gratitude,